Insight

Generally speaking I've used my blog as a spot to put pictures and happenings of our family and not as a spill my guts kind of a forum. However, lately I've felt like getting more personal. I don't know why, maybe it's because I enjoy reading other's blogs who share personal things. So, bare with me as I get a little personal.

I get impatient with my kids. I don't like it and I don't want to be that way. I've been praying about things I can do to improve my patience. A few days I had a little insight. It wasn't the solution I was hoping for, but it was insight on why I get impatient. And according to GI Joe, "Knowing is half the battle." So I guess it's a step in the right direction.

I suffer from back pain - almost constantly. I usually have a short time in the morning that I don't hurt, but throughout the day the pain grows and grows. Some days worse than others, but every day I hurt. I am a very determined person, and whatever I have my mind on to do, I HAVE to do. So, I just push through the pain and I don't let it stop me from whatever activities/projects me and the girls want to do. Also I don't like to take medication often and so I almost never take pain meds for my back. I don't want to build a tolerance against the medication and then not have it work when I really need it and also I feel like it's not very good for our bodies.

I learned during my pregnancy with Aubrey that constant pain makes me feel very anxious and frustrated. I am frustrated that I am feeling pain, I am frustrated that it hurts do do anything, I am determined not to let it slow me down and frustrated that it makes it worse to do anything but lay down. All of this frustration makes me feel very anxious and quite frankly exhausted.

The other day I was noticing the times that I got impatient with my girls and finally connected the dots. I was impatient because I hurt and whatever action they were doing was causing me more hurt. Things like: Trying to help Brooke put her shoes on and she is wiggling and not cooperating. Bending over hurts me, so I want to get the job done quickly. When that doesn't happen, I get impatient. Or, I'm trying to make dinner, and the standing or chopping hurts my back, so I want to get it done quickly so I can rest for a minute. If the girls start fighting or interrupting me with a myriad of requests I get impatient. I hurt and I want the hurt to end so I'm frustrated when they extend my pain.

Since, I've been living with the pain for so long, I didn't even notice that IT was the reason behind my impatience (generally speaking). It does not give me an excuse to just go ahead and be cranky with my girls, but I think the understanding of it has helped me process it more. And it has definitely given me more motivation to look into what is causing all of my back pain and if there is anything I can do to improve it. I can see now that it is most definitely interfering with my and my families quality of life. So, I'm hoping to either find ways to fix my pain OR ways I can be more patient in the midst of my pain.